Waiting is such a pain in the arse. I always have been very impatient but with all this hospital malarkey over the past seven years, waiting is something I have had to get better at.
On our return from London I knew I had to wait three days for the phone call from my transplant coordinator telling me if I had been placed on the list or not. Three days is nothing I could handle that, I’ve waited much longer for results in the past but actually, those three days felt like three years! This time I was waiting for something that was going to determine the next few years of my life and potentially change the rest of my entire life…not knowing was really taking its toll on me.
The three days passed and Friday arrived – the day I was told I would get the phone call. I made sure I woke up early so I wouldn’t miss the call but I tried to take my mind off of it by carrying on as normal and not sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring. That didn’t really work out so well! 4 o’clock came and I couldn’t wait any longer. Perhaps they had tried to call me but couldn’t get through, maybe they got my number wrong, what if they just forgot to call me? Of course I knew none of that was the case but I convinced myself I had better call them just to make sure. I managed to get through to Grace, my transplant coordinator and she gave me the news I had been waiting for – life changing news. She told me that the doctors had decided I needed to be placed on the transplant waiting list now.
So, that is how I got to this point. When people ask me how I feel about it I tell them that I’m a bit scared but it’s the best option for me. I see it as a positive thing. Sure, I’d love to be in a position where having a liver transplant isn’t classed as ‘the best option for me’ but I’m not in that position and it’s the only chance I have to get better. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’m completely fine with it and unafraid of what might happen, of course there are days when I get extremely anxious and full of fear about the whole thing and I could choose to spend everyday feeling that way, it would be quite easy,but the way I see it is that these are the cards I’ve been dealt. I can face it head on with a positive attitude and enjoy life as much as I possibly can, or I can sit and dwell on the negative side of this and all the things it’s stopping me from doing. Yes, I get frustrated that I’m 24 years old and at the moment my life is somewhat on hold. It’s frustrating that I live a life where getting out of bed often feels like a marathon, feeling like crap everyday is now normal for me and having the freedom to do whatever I feel like doing or to go wherever I feel like going is pretty much out of the question. I no longer have the luxury of spontaneity and I’m lucky if I’m able to stick to plans I’ve made but despite all of that I am grateful. I am so grateful for all the good things in my life and everything that I have got to experience and achieve so far. Everything could be a lot worse, at least I am still here, living my life. It may not be the life I saw myself living this time last year but it is still pretty great. I am incredibly lucky.
Life isn’t meant to be fair or easy, everyone has shit to deal with but I believe the way you choose to see things, the attitude you choose to have and the people you surround yourself with are ultimately the things that colour your life. There is always the choice to focus on positivity. There is always someone worse off than you and that is what I tell myself whenever it all gets too much.
Life is too short to not be happy.